What I Did and Learned in 2025: Part 1 — The Implosion
If 2024 was about healing, 2025 was about breaking open completely before I could rebuild. This is the story of a 29-year-old guy who imploded, hurt people he loved, got pulled back from the abyss, and somehow found his purpose in the wreckage.
This is going to be raw. Deeply personal.Who in their right mind would write such a thing, Spoiler Alert : Me. The kind of thing that might bite me years later. But I thought about it and said, “Well, fuck it.” I’ve got nothing to lose. I was prepared for the worst. So if you still choose to read this, welcome to my mind.
January: Cutting the Cord (Again)
I started 2025 by telling Peanut (that’s what I call her — not using her real name) that I didn’t want to talk to her anymore. And this time, I meant it.
For four months, I held that boundary. No contact. No caving.
Around the same time, my friend broke up with his girlfriend. They loved each other, but circumstances forced them apart. So there we were — two friends starting 2025 in the same boat, not talking to the women we loved.
It went well for a few months. Until April.
April: The Leak
Mid-April, my friend told me that Peanut had reached out to him. She asked him to take care of me.
Hearing that, all my bottled emotions leaked out. I talked to her again. She was sweet about it and agreed to continue our friendship.
But here’s the thing — however much I try, I always fall in love with her again and again. I believe a man should not bother a woman who isn’t interested. That’s my core belief. But fuck, I just can’t keep my word.
Having done that, though, I made one change: I no longer flirt with her, ask her, or beg her for her love. That stopped this year.
The Community Delusion: Three Strikes
This year was more about trying to be happy. But I cannot seem to choose happiness, even though I’m very aware that happiness is a choice. I’ve been depressed on and off for over a decade, since college. This year, I stumbled into that rabbit hole again.
I tried to take on this massive task — building a huge community with me at the center. I stretched myself so thin, trying to overcompensate by doing things for others even when they didn’t ask for it, all under the pretense of “building community.”
Then came three incidents that shattered everything.
Strike One: I offered money to a person who seemed to be scammer. I ignored it, and I went out of my way to help. Safin told me I was foolish to willingly fall for such a simple scam many times and calling it charity. I genuinely thought it was the right thing to do.
Strike Two: I love the company I work for. My programming job is the second most loved thing I do (first being art). And I never cared about money. My cherished big brother broke my delusion about “lifting yourself up when the time is right” and trying to earn more money. But at that point, I wasn’t concerned with money. I went to socialize with his mom and dad, but I never go to. I’m a people pleaser — that’s how I’ve grown. I didn’t voice my wish then. And I got hurt.
Strike Three: Paambu caught on. He asked me point-blank: “Are you really doing this building a community for others or just for yourself, or are you trying to run away from something?”
Three people I cherished most, each one shattering my delusions, had me in shambles.
The Question That Broke Me
Before all this, my therapist asked me a simple question: “In a universe where you can get anything, what does Rishab truly want?”
I was chasing that answer. And those three things were my answer at that time:
- Spending time with loved ones, not chasing money
- Helping others
- Building a community with me at the center, connecting people through me
All of it got shattered. And it was shattered by the ones I trusted most.
This might seem petty to others, but to me, these were core. You see, I don’t want to hurt others. I don’t know if I’m a good guy or not. I do hurt people or give it back to very few — maybe I’m a bully or exploitative, I’m not sure. But the list of people I’m not nice to, where I’m unfiltered, is small. And these three weren’t on that list. I don’t show my anger to them.
The Implosion
I imploded. I wanted to forgive all these people, and I did. But it wasn’t good for me.
I went into a depression spiral. I was fucking hurt. I didn’t know how else to handle it, so I withdrew from everything and everyone. I started making and taking steps to cut everybody off. I nearly succeeded.
Except for one single soul.
My one true female friend : 🦆 — the one person I have genuine platonic love for — she held my hand just before I went into the abyss and pulled me back from my own darkness. She will never realise this, but she saved me from myself. I might not be writing this blog or what not if not for her intervention.
I’m still that guy who offloads emotions to others, who doesn’t take full responsibility for my actions and emotions. But nonetheless, she enabled me — no, she instilled in me the courage to give it back to those who had intentionally or unintentionally hurt me.
So I told each of them how they hurt me. They apologized. I got my peace. It swiped the pain away.
The Collateral Damage
While dealing with all this, I basically pushed everyone out of my life. I hurt everyone who loved me — especially Safin and 🦆.
I showed my true colors, my capacity for hurting others. And to my surprise, they forgave my worst behaviors. I never expected anyone to accept my shadow or dark self that easily. I never show it to many people.
It broke me down and made me see life in a new perspective.
The New Healing
After receiving such a kind gesture, I wanted to show it to others too. I asked for forgiveness from everyone — before, during, and now even more.
A newer, elevated version of my healing started.
This was the implosion. The breaking point. The moment where everything I thought I knew about myself and my relationships got tested and found wanting.
But here’s what I learned in those dark months: sometimes you have to break completely before you can rebuild authentically. Sometimes the people who love you will forgive you even when you show them your worst. And sometimes, one hand reaching out in the darkness is enough to pull you back.
To be continued in Part 2: The Reconnection