Hey. It’s been a long time since I wrote anything here. I want to tell you why I stopped, and why I’m back.
I stopped writing in Feb-March this year. I met someone and I loved her. I convinced myself that taking care of her was my purpose. I had deceived myself. I told the truth, and then it ended, very messily. I really tried to be as kind as the people who showed me the right way, but I didn’t have the resilience to do it. I gave her hope, and then I took it back. I stopped writing after that because I couldn’t sit with it.
I’ll live with this. Maybe one day I can redeem myself, if that’s even possible.
So what changed
I had a dream.
I was with my wife and our three kids. A grandma was standing near me, and she said, “You have a beautiful wife.” I looked at her. I knew that face. It wasn’t the woman from this year. It was someone I loved two or three years ago, someone I thought was out of my life, everything sorted. But it was her face, no doubt about it. And the words that came out of my mouth were just, “Yes, isn’t she? She is indeed beautiful.” Then I looked at the three kids, and I was a proud dad.
I woke up and realized I still love her, deep down, without ever admitting it to myself. I thought I had healed, but maybe that healing was a delusion I was still living in. I don’t know if any of this is right or wrong. What’s done is done, and I can’t change the past. But the dream showed me what I actually want. A wife, kids, a home.
What I was given
I have to say something about how I got here. My parents gave everything for me. My dad worked day shifts and night shifts and came home and still tied my shoes and socks on exam mornings. My mom fed me breakfast with her own hands. I was weak in Tamil, so I’d make Dad sit and read everything to me after a full day’s work, and I’d write the exam from what I understood from his narration. They sacrificed all of it so I could have the happiest childhood possible, and I did. I’m well educated, and I’ve never been a burden to anybody. I’m in no position to be complaining about a single thing. I’m previliged.
The part I don’t like saying
I never competed for anything. I never had to work hard, be responsible, or be brave. So I was just the good boy who never wanted to be disliked. When other people did wrong, I’d insert myself in the situation and say “I would never do that.” If someone cut in line, I stepped aside. I never stood up for myself, and I played the victim and hoped people would show mercy. A few times, when something went wrong and someone younger was involved, I didn’t take the blame and let that poor kid face the consequences. I lied to look better than I was. I did things to impress people, because I was scared they’d leave. I’ve been a porn addict for quite a few years. Self loathing, manipulative. Not pure of heart. Wolf in sheep’s clothing.
That’s who I am still.
To make that dream real, I can’t play pretend anymore. I can’t keep cheating myself about how things actually are. What I’ve been carrying around is still an excuse. It’s not honest and it’s not authentic.
I’ve never been a saint, and I’m not handling my responsibilities like I should yet. But this all should change, must change. I’ve had enough of my own bullshit. This ugly version of myself is long due to be washed off. So I will. And I’m choosing myself, a little more each day, and I’m trying to be more understanding toward my parents. Less people pleasing. More secure. The man I want to be is still being shaped, but this time I’m the one shaping him. Not to impress any of you. But for me.
Enough barking,
Let’s Claim The One Piece.
